How to drink natural wines without feeling cool

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The pursuit of the rotten side of beautiful and good things has always fascinated me.

So, I decided to search for the darker sides of the natural wine world that I love so much and am timidly trying to get to know.
Yes, even though it’s hard to imagine, I’ve discovered that there are dirty sides even in the ascetic, rural, and mystical world of natural wines.

How much do I love them? I’ve already told you!

I endlessly appreciate that ancient taste, those essential bottles, those stylishly designed labels, far superior in graphic taste to the embarrassing heraldic labels of the ’90s wines.
I love those aromas that once populated the humble tables of the past and the tin caps instead of corks, as if it were soda water.
I adore the light and mindful intoxication they give me (I’d been waiting for a mindful intoxication for years).
I like those who are aware that they’re producing something that won’t change the world and those who lovingly pour such things into their glass.

Yet, one of the rotten sides of the natural wine world lies precisely in those who lift the glass.
Because, unfortunately, lately, drinking oxidized wine is “cool,” and I find things that are “cool” repugnant.

I am ashamed of the atmosphere in spaces frequented by people engaged in “cool” activities.
When I hear that something is considered niche, I feel unhappy.
Radical chic is a controlled designation of origin, and I feel melancholy when surrounded by such contexts where, alas, natural wine suffers the fate of being consumed by certain individuals: thin mustaches like a friend of D’Artagnan or Marx-like beards that, if he could see them, I’m sure he’d beg God for one more day on earth, just one.
With a loaded crossbow at hand.

What have we done to deserve the advice of the Bio megastore?
What wrong have we committed to endure the return of Timberland boots and this feverish knowledge of French independent cinema and natural wines?
Can we no longer drink in peace without someone narrating the aromas and humors?
What are we guilty of to be forced to sit at a table with a sommelier?

Another dark side of natural wine: winemakers who overly indulge in their philosophical nature.

Those winemakers who won’t sell you their wine unless you promise to drink it naked, during a full moon, wearing a crown of Sardinian bells.
Those vintners who enter a trance and talk about their wine through aphorisms and long silences, with a Dalí-like gaze, waiting for someone to take notes and engrave their words on stone tablets.
Those gentlemen with scruffy beards and brown corduroy pants who make wine but believe they’re crafting nuclear machines, astrophysics treaties, or discoveries worthy of a Nobel Prize for medicine.
Those gentlemen who legislate on how to style your hair in the vineyard during pruning so as not to disturb the vines, on which African music to play to the tanks while the wine rests, on what kind of underwear to wear on harvest day.

As a result, those who drink the nectar of these gentlemen risk absorbing the same arrogance.
Those privileged enough to drink the graveyard of dead yeasts, choosing that predestined bottle, close their eyes and see angels as if at a Uto Ughi concert.

If you like natural wine, there is no worse punishment than facing one of these fools who, when they smell sewage in a glass, half-close their eyes and murmur ecstatic praises to those present, including you.

Natural wine is not niche; it’s for everyone. It’s popular, has barely a middle-school education, and doesn’t care about fairs, federations, or guides.

It detests niche mass distribution; it’s the wine of St. Francis, not Gigi Hadid. It’s for those who are thirsty and want to kiss. If it were music, it would prefer Raul Casadei over Aphex Twin and would demand respect for its tastes even if they’re not glossy.

Drinking natural wine is not an experience to be had in a sweat lodge with a shaman; it’s something simple.
Just like the act of getting up from the table and deciding to sacrifice the bottle, smashing it in the middle of the fountain of niche natural wine enthusiasts who are boring you tonight.

If the wine is truly natural, it will thank you.

Source: Madamepipi

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